Life and other weird things

I woke up this morning and as is my habit, walked into the toilet with the Times of India under my arm. My morning entertainment. But today, the folks at TOI were out to shock rather than entertain. My eyes popped out (among other things .... considering the compromising situation in which I was reading the paper) on seeing pages 11.

My old friends the Chaudharis were back ! And how ! Oooo mama !

Actually I started off reading page 11, and the only thought that crossed my mind was 'Arre these IIPM people have advertised in some different way boss!'

What ranting ! Let me quote the elder Chaudhari.
A recent proposal to introduce a 1 year MBA program to people having 5-years work experience (obviously non managerial supervisory level experience for most of them)is deemed to dilute academic content of the program to cater to emerging markets as demonstrated by Indian School of Business (with 250 acres of campus, which is double the size of an average IIM campus), Hyderabad. Having failed to prove the superiority of their 2 year MBA programs, the IIMs are lured by the high fees that ISB is able to charge and also secure a very high level of entry salary superseding the elitist salary of IIM passouts. Lacking confidence in their academic standards and contributions to business success, IIMs are trying to overcome their second class citizen status by entering into devalued 1 year MBA programs. The IIMs are thus victims of their own criteria of judging an institute's academic status by the level of salaries its graduates can command from the market by restricting artificially the supply of such graduates available to the industry.

Woof! Maybe it's my limited comprehension powers, but I needed to read just this paragraph about 3 times to understand what the man was trying to say. The Chaudharis obviously don't believe in the wisdom of brevity or conciseness, I told myself.

What I understood, finally, is that work experience is highly overrated as a criteria for learning management. My God! But that's revolutionary. What people around the world think and believe, MC has dared to think beyond. Why, pray, does IIPM call professors from Wharton and Harvard where a good level of work experience is definitely needed to secure admission into the prestigious B-Schools ? Shouldn't those communist bastards be admonished instead of encouraged by the venerable name that is IIPM ?

By the way, the IIMs enjoy a 'second class status' in India and have 'no contributions in business success'. That one really made my head spin. Amazing Chauduri babu! I admire your spunk. I wonder why 175000 students in the country don't agree with you though. Maybe, could it just be, that you are speaking out of your hat ? Scary thought, but maybe true.

Chote Nawab Arindam is even better. His analogies are going to make Navjot Sidhu cry in shame one of these days. I quote the great man:
English is a beautiful language. From Hallmark to Archies they all make millions out of this language by putting the same words like "I love you" in millions of different ways in their cards in an effort to produce emotions out of their printing factories. Today's management consulting firms are trying to do the same to keep their profession alive.

Woof! Woof! Wow! What a comparison (and a half).

About the teachers in management institutes (other then IIPM of course) he has this to say.
They are comparable to our corrupt and illiterate politicians who don't want to educate the public because of the fear that the first thing the educated public would do is to reject them. In fact keeping in mind the level of education of our management educators they are a worse lot, for it is worse to be educated and yet wanting education to be limited so that you can milk it than to be uneducated and wanting the masses to remain so.

I have to tell my father, that if he has any self respect left, he should leave his job of lecturing in XLRI and do something else. How dare he 'milk' his education ? How dare he, Damn it !

Needless to say, the paragraph quoted earlier is one among many in a full page rant by the Chaudhari duo, thanks to their pal TOI, which keeps me company in my toilet.

After being amidst so much crap early in the morning, I thought my bowels would now give up, when I turned the page and nearly fainted. Two full page ads by our IIPM brigade. Pages 12 and 13 of TOI went down the potty instantly.

What to do ? Man what to do ? I ask myself - how to stop this unstoppable nutty, lying duo ?

I have always felt I never had a bent towards research. After reading articles like this, I feel that my instincts serve me well. I can't imagine myself looking into whether simian creatures award their kin for being the best spouse of the year. Hell, I don't even know why people go and spend years researching and coming up with a way to increase network throughput by 5%.

Maybe I am just a lazy idiot. But I still can't understand why it's nessecary to see how bacteria have sex.

I am really going to search for these answers, right after I pay a silent tribute to the unknown soul who came up with a fantastic research topic. This is the first time I came to know that one could have a degree in bra making.

I am an out-of-date, underinformed twit.

I will never cease to astonished by the attitude of the so-called 'leaders' in India. So-called in any field. In politics, films, and now in the MSM (main stream media).

After Satyajit Ray wins the Oscar, give him a BHarat Ratna. After Amartya Sen wins the Nobel, give him a Bharat ratna. Now, after largely ignoring the death of an IIM grag for a few days, give it a decent space in the paper after bloggers around the country express their grief.

I had made up my mind not to blog about this issue. I cannot bring myself to form an opinion on it that sounds very convincing to me.

These are the important posts which I read first, about the death of Manjunathan.

Gaurav Sabnis - Bye Machan and Please make it count.

Rashmi Bansal - Manjunathan, soldier of conscience and NDTV on Manjunathan.

Arnab Ray - The Death of Honesty.

I felt sad that a person had to die because he was trying to do his job in the best possible way. I felt frustrated knowing that he had to die just for standing by his principles. I felt sure it was a loss to this country that a young man is now gone because of a systemic defect of our society we endure everyday. Corruption is largely accepted by all of us to such an extent that we even include in in our monthly budgets. But kill someone for it ?

Actually I don't know what to say. I am guilty of giving bribes to many people as well. Starting with pushing a few notes into the palms of the traffic constable to let me drive without my license when I didn't have one, to gratifying the TTE at the station to help me get a seat on the train.

I don't know whether I should be sad for Manjunath, or clean myself up first. I wonder if it's possible to live in India today and not be 'corrupt' - as far as the technical definition goes.

What I got disgusted with is the hypocrisy of the main stream in waiting for the issue to become a major one before reporting it. Times of India is a rag. There, I said it.

I am reminded of the scene in the movie Traffic. The narcotics agents have caught a guy and are arranging to have a confession out of him. The criminal says 'You only got to me coz you were tipped off by the rival cartel. So in a way, you work for a drug dealer too.' I guess that's the way the world works. MAybe you have to get into the system if you want to fight it.

But Manjunath wasn't trying to fight anything. He was just doing his job. He was no Oscar Schindler or Russessabagina on any crusade. He was a regular Joe with the right principles in a wrong place. Shit.

Rest in peace, Manjunath.

Just came back from lunch.

The place where my office is in Bombay - Andheri Kurla Road - is within close earshot of two mosques. And a few minutes back, it was time for the afternoon prayers.

Though I am one who personally does not believe in religion, I generally do not try and impose my view on other (unless I'm drunk). I try and live with the fact there will always be people who believe that religion is some kind of 'way out'.

But even so, is it really necessary for the world to know that it's 1:15 pm ? Or 5:00 am - or whenever the morning prayers are - for that matter ? It's just invasive and crazy. Bloody hell, the noise from the mosques even overshadows the traffic din on the busy Saki Naka road. This is just too much. Talk about noise pollution. If it's really all that necessary for all Muslims to know that it's prayer time, why not equip everyone with a transistor radio and have a station where prayers take place at designated times ?

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On a different note, some Aishwarya fan forwarded these pictures to me, among others, of the actress who he (and many others) thinks represents the new Indian actress. Man. I just look at them and laugh.

He He.
Ho Ho.
Haw Haw hah hahaaa.

I read the paper today and liked Chetan Bhagat's article.


As someone who has gone through similar phases in my life, and have tried something as dramatic as jumping in front of a train at one point of time, I found the article to make a lot of sense. It's amazing how animals don't have an idea of suicide. At least it hasn't been shown yet. Yes, I know there's some kind of hampster or lemming or something which jumps into the ocean somewhere in the world in herds, but then no one knows why they do that. Certainly not to get rid of life's worries.

It's quite intriguing what drives someone to the brink; that makes one take the step of killing oneself. In hindsight, I can't remember what made me think of it.

Even the Terminator said 'I cannot self Terminate'. Why us ?

This blog was posted by Ronita a few days ago about the dismal traffic situation in Bangalore.

As one who spent the first 16 years of my life in that city, I really feel sad. And nostalgic. I will soon post a few pictures of Bangalore as I knew it.

It feels worse that a city where the quality of life was far superior to most metros in India till about 10 years back, is an inspiration for the jokes I am putting down below.

I laughed at them, despite myself.


Jokes on Bangalores traffic

************************************

Q: What is the most common disease in Bangalore?

A: RSI - Repetetive Stress Injury. No, not because of computers, but because of honking horns!

***

Q: Is the problem really that bad?

A: Just wait near a road hump. Most drivers honk the horn - hoping that the hump will go away.

***

Q: What is the most common psychological problem among Bangaloreans?

A: Owners of big cars have a confusion, they are not sure if they have bought the car or the road.

***

When the rest of the world's drivers see danger ahead, they press the clutch pedal, press the brake. A Bangalorean presses the accelerator and then the horn.

***

Q: Why do Bangaloreans overtake from the left?

A: Because, the traffic sign board where overtaking is prohibited, shows an arrow that is overtaking from right. So it must be OK to overtake from the light.

***

Q: What is the surest indication that traffic sense of Bangaloreans is pathetic.

A: There is a board which says “Red Means Stop”! (Honest, Denizens of Bangalore, go to Anil Kumble Circle and look up, there is such a board.

***

Q: How does the traffic in Bangalore prove that there is a 'God up there' and he is pro-Bangalorean.

A: Traffic continues to move after the light has turned red on the one side and the traffic from the road perpendicular to it starts moving even before the light there has turned green. Still there are no crashes!

***

Q: Which city in India has the greatest acrobats?

A: Bangalore of course. Look at all the drivers talking on the mobile, honking the horn, beating the traffic lights, cursing the other motorists, avoiding pot holes, ........... al at the same time.

***

Q: What is the second such indication?

A: Boards have started appearing which say something like “Go only when green”.

***

Q: Why do Bangaloreans drive in the middle of the road or on the right?

A: They have taken the description “Silicon Valley of India” too seriously.

***

Q: How does a Bangalorean park a car in a no parking zone?

A: Turn the hazard lights on, leave a hapless passenger inside and walk out.

***

Q: What are traffic lights in Bangalore meant for?

A: To be followed if there is a policeman nearby.

***

Q: If a strange, exception-to-the-rule Bangalorean stops at at traffic light, others behind him stop too. Why?

A: The others conclude that he has spotted a policeman that they themselves have not spotted.

***

Q: What is the easiest way of causing traffic accidents in Bangalore?

A: Follow the traffic rules.

***

Q: There is a joke that the shortest measurable interval of time is the time between the traffic light turning green and someone behind you honking the horn. Why does this not apply to Bangalore?

A: Because you can not measure negative time. The honks would have started even before the light turned green, if they ever stopped at all.

***

Q: When two denizens of this city meet, what is the most common topic of discussion?

A: Traffic of course

***

Typical of the directions you get in this city.

Q: How far is it from here?

A: Five minutes by walk, half an hour by car.

***



Old Joke:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the raod?


A: It wanted to get to the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross back?
A: It is a bloody double crossing chick.

In the new telling, it will be like this.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It wanted to get to the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross back?
A: I don't know why, but I know for sure it was not in Bangalore!
Q: But.... How do you know that?
A: Well, if the chick tried it in Bangalore, it would be a dead chick!

***
When a famous mountaineer was asked why he wanted to climb Mt. Everest, his answer was succinct - "Because it is there"
If you asked a Bangalorean why he honks the horn, perhaps, you will get the same answer.

***

Old Joke:

Q: Why did Mallu cross the road?

A: Simbly

In the New telling

Q: Why did the Bangalorean honk the horn?

A: Simply

***

Q: When you see a rare Bangalorean driving or riding on the left side of the road, what can you conclude?

A: That he is going to take a right turn at the next traffic intersection!

Watched the latest Harry potter this Sunday. Loved it !
First, it was a welcome break after the CAT. Second, it was a great film.

I have liked the Harry Potter series immensely, though I feel the charm of the books, which reached a peak in 'The Prisoner of Azkaban' has been steadily on the fall. In the movie versions however, I think the Goblet of Fire is the best Potter movie yet. The Prisoner of Azkaban movie sadly, was nothing close to the book.

The Goblet of Fire is pure entertainment. I mean...absolute paisa vasool.
The irritating parts of the book where Hermione is campaigning for House Elves is thankfully eliminated. Also, not much of Quidditch is shown. It was becoming the focal point of Harry Potter films. But a scene which shows the Quidditch stadium hosting the World cup is zimbly ztubentouz. Nothing I have seen in films comes close. Breathtaking.

The romantic bits of the film, dwelling heavily on the adolescence of Harry and his friends, though a bit stretched are well shown. Quite funny at times.

I now know why the big hue and cry is being made about this being the first Potter movie to get a PG-13 rating. Some scenes can be quite scary for very young viewers. I am seriously thinking twice about taking my kid cousin sister to the film.
She, being a big Potter fan has been pestering me to take her; and I - knowing that a cockroach scares her silly (shit, they scare me too) - think that she may start bawling at the scenes where the Hungarian Horntail and the underwater what-cha-may-callits are buggering the life out of Harry.

Still, the movie works well. The two things I was disspointed about in it are the characterisations Dumbledore and Voldemort. Ironical, since these were the two things that I was most looking forward to. Dumbledore is too edgy....and the present actor has none of the poise of Richard Harris (PBUH). Also, I felt Lord Voldemort was not menacing enough. You don't get the chills on seeing him like you do on seeing Darth Vader, or Darth Maul, or Darth Sidious. Even Count Dooku. Voldemort seems a little Vulnerable. I would have liked him to stand a little straighter and have some cool attitude instead of being so agitated and fidgety.

I came out of the theatre with thoughts about our own rich mythology which actually beats any Harry Puttar story hollow. A pity that none of the Indian directors have the courage to make something on this scale. Can't they make something with, say, Ramayan as the theme? I would love to see a six series Ramayan on the big screen. Or a ten series Mahabharat. OK. I'm rambling.

Anyways, complaints apart, I had a rollicking time. And yeah, I think I'll take my cousin to see the film after all.

I really had the hots for Sania Mirza.
She has it all. Looks. Talent. Money.

What she doesn't have, it seems, is a backbone and some courageous opinion.

I was really crestfallen on reading her 'opinion' on premarital sex. She considers it to be a 'sin'. Oh heavens. She believes that it will never be condoned by Allah. Oh yeah. Just what we need. Another celebrity being politically correct.

Sania just lost one fan. Not that it makes any damn difference in this crazy religion obsessed world.

I am answering the CAT on Sunday.

It's a desperate attempt to break free of the current life I lead. At present, I can identify with the Heera character from that awful film Mangal Pandey (wonder if Heera had anything to do with Mangal's 'Rising'). I dance in front of white clients almost every day trying to please them, so that they give my employers (pimps) 'repeat business'.

My frustration level went up a few notches yesterday, when, after having a 'call' with the white men for about an hour and listening to them commenting on my 'performance', I realised I 'wasn't giving them what they wanted' only because they hadn't sent me the correct version of the documents that I needed.

Yes, I am an IT gigolo. I please people by the hour and hope they come back. Fuck. What takes place this Sunday may determine to a large extent till when this shameful lifestyle will continue. Oh, when will I be off walking the streets ?

To wrap up, here's a write up I keep with me always, to remind me of what I really am. It's a list comparing the lives of a gigolo/prostitute and the Indian IT professional.

1. Both work very odd hours.
2. Both are paid a lot of money to keep their clients happy.
3. Both are paid well, but their pimps gets most of the money.
4. Both spend a majority of their time in an air-conditioned room.
5. Both charge by the hour but their time can be extended for the right price.
6. Both are not proud of what they do.
7. Creating fantasies for their clients is rewarded.
8. It's difficult for both to have a family.
9. They have no job satisfaction.
10. Both are embarrassed to tell people what they do for a living.
11. People ask them, "What do you do?" and they can't explain it.
12. Their families hardly recognize them at reunions (at least the reunions they attend.)
13. Their friends have distanced themselves from them and they're left hanging with other "professionals."
14. Their client pays for their hotel room plus their hourly rate.
15. Their client always wants to know how much they charge and what they get for the money.
16. When they leave to go see a client, they look great, but return looking like hell.
17. They are rated on their "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
18. Even though they get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
19. The client always thinks their "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from them.
20. When they deduct their "take" from their billing rate, they constantly wonder if they could get a better deal with another pimp.
21. Everyday they wake up and tell themselves, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."

I can truly identify with all of the above.

And the way my preparation has been for the CAT the ordeal does not show any signs of ending anytime soon.

Since I am working in an IT firm myself, I found this article, really cool.

I really want to know what bacteria look like while they have sex. Actually I never imagined bacteria had sex at all. I always imagined they were those teeny weeny creepy crawlies which somehow managed to asexually divide and form new bacteria.

Some how it makes me feel happy to know, thanks to these scientists from Lucknow, that bacteria too enjoy sex in their short lives.

These scientists have actually found fossilised remains of bacteria having sex. Somehow I feel this is extremely unfair on the bacteria. Imagine - would you like pictures of you and your mate beign paraded by some higher life form for reserch purposes. Talk about voyeurism.

I have to stop typing as my hand is itching. I suspect there are some bacteria getting merry right now, and I'm going to stuff my hand in the scanner in order to preserve the moment for posterity.

This 'intelligent design' thing is getting on my nerves. Till a few days ago it was a nagging thorn in the side, now it's becoming outrageous.

Weirdos in Kansas have voted to push through this pinheaded 'theory' into school curriculum ! I don't know how there can be so many lunatics in so many high places.

Today I read another bizzare pice of news. Rakhi Sawant, the buxom lady who comforts so many of us bachelors into believing that there are better things in life than the muck we live in, has been attacked by the moral brigade. I mean - wow ! Don't these guys have a life ? Or a dick, for that matter ? Come one man. Jerk off once in a while - it may improve your outlook on life.

Another wacko news item to wrap up this post. The ugly cardinal Ivan Dias of Bombay has formally decreed that there will be no more masses conducted for mixed marriages in churches. My choiciest abuses to you, Cardinal. You, a person holding a the post you hold, should try and promote more goodwill and peace in the world, instead of pissing all over people's lives. Why don't you just organise more public service work instead of becoming another prick at whom people can point their fingers to, when they want to know who it was that posed an obstacle in their way to a happy married life ?

So, to the ID 'theorists', the Mumbai moral brigade, and to the Catholic Church in general - sod off ! May the Sphagetti Monster curse you all.

About the Sphagetti Monster, there is a guy who posted a letter to the schools in the US who subscribed to the ID theory here. It's the only thing that made me laugh today.

According to Wikipedia, a promise is a transaction between two persons whereby the first person undertakes in the future to render some service or gift to the second person or devotes something valuable now and here to his use.

Well, that puts a promise in a much milder and more sober light than what I am used to thinking. Probably due to my daily dose of Hindi films, I think of a 'promise', often termed 'vaada' or 'zabaan' by different dialogue writers, as something more sacred than the academic definition of Wiki.

There's a definition of 'promise' which appeals more to my sensibilities. Merriam Webster calls a promise 'a declaration that one will do or refrain from doing something specified'. Somehow this seems more correct to me.

It set me thinking how the the tone of writing can comfort or set a reader against the author. It's amazing how the mind works.

Going on about promises, it's amazing how much of a role they play in our lives. A lot of things that make life worth living is based on promises. There's something exciting about the thought that someone will actually do something without some legally binding angle to it. Just the fact that you can trust someone is reassuring.

That's probably why it's hurting to suddenly realise that the reassurance I had was misplaced.

Anyways, yaa boo sucks to it all. I say to all my troubles, as Monty Python so admirably put it, 'Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you. I fart in your general direction.'

Ta da.